-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Sunday, August 15, 2004
Quote of the Day
"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a little better; whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is the meaning of success."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Friday, August 13, 2004
Blader Envy
I have always admired Rollerbladers. They seem to effortlessly glide around the lake as I huff and puff through my jog or brisk walk. I wanted to be them. I wanted to effortlessly glide around the lake. So one day as I was perusing eBay (my semi-new sick obsession) I decided to become one of them. I hightailed it to the Rollerblade auctions, placed my bid and had a nice, new, used pair of Rollerblades post haste. It wasn’t until yesterday, though, that I gathered the courage to use the things. I felt so nervous as I put them on, hoping they would fit right, hoping that all the time I spent on roller skates in middle school would translate into a current skill in Rollerblading, hoping that I wouldn’t fall and break my wrist because I wasn’t willing to spring for the proper safety gear until I knew for sure that I enjoy the whole Rollerblading experience.
My first challenge was to make it from my brother’s apartment building to Green Lake – two blocks and two busy streets lay between them. It being rush hour, my first humiliation was crossing the street. It seemed like I couldn’t remember how to launch off into a smooth stride. Instead I appeared to be walking across the street as fifty cars waited for me and of course I tripped right as I made it to the curb. I was able to drag myself out of the street and shakily regain my footing. I slowly pushed myself forward with one blade and then the next. I seemed to be getting the hang of it. I was so proud. I held my head up high and tried to channel all of the hot chic Rollerbladers I had ever seen in a movie. There must have been something wrong with the connection.
I arrived at Green Lake and plodded across the grass field that lay between the street and the paved path around the lake. I was getting excited. This was going to be fun. I was going to get some exercise, go around the lake a couple of times, and hey maybe even meet a cute blader. I quickly lost my enthusiasm. Once I got to the path, I realized that Rollerblading business isn’t as effortless as it appears. My second challenge was a mini-hill that I had never noticed while walking (of course I usually go clockwise around the lake against the Rollerbladers so it was downhill), but all of the sudden I felt like I had reached Mount Everest. I grunted and pushed and somehow managed to make it to the top. Winded and extremely exhausted, I looked back longingly at the grass field from which I had come, but I kept on. Soon my chest started to burn and my face started to pound. I didn’t understand it – I wasn’t even going fast. Every single other Rollerblader passed me, joggers passed me, and, saddest of all, speed walkers passed me. Try as I might, I couldn’t get myself into a smooth rhythm. About a quarter of a mile around I could take it no longer, I had to sit on a bench. I was so confused. Rollerblading looked so easy – besides I wasn’t that out of shape, this should have been a piece of cake. I watched more rollerbladers pass by and I squelched the desire to ask them to tell me what I was doing wrong – why, when my legs were going at the same speed as theirs was I incapable of achieving the same speed. I didn’t want to carry on. I was frustrated, depressed and extremely disappointed in myself – but rollerbladers can’t go back – they can only go forward on the path. I wanted to cry, but I stood up and onto the path and prepared to pass again all of the slow walkers. I didn’t want them to see me again – I looked ridiculous, but I had no choice, I couldn’t turn back. I didn’t even have my cell phone so calling my brother to rescue me was out of the question.
When I had gone 2 miles and after 5 more breaks, I could take it no longer. I sat down on the grass, removed the offenders and walked the final mile in my bare feet. I HATED those Rollerblades. I considered leaving them by a tree, hoping that by chance some girl with a size 10 foot would pick them up and take to the activity with far more gusto than had I, but I kept a hold on them. The worst part of the whole experience is that as I trudged through the cool grass all of my frustration with my rollerblades and with Slick combined to make me very emotional. I spent the entire walk choking back tears and just being utterly pathetic.
When I arrived at Joe’s house, I could no longer hold it in – after greeting Joe and Brit as they sat smoking in the garage, I excused myself to get some water and sobbed in the kitchen. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling at the time. I played it off as PMS to Joe and Brit when they asked about it, but it wasn’t that. I am beginning to think that the divorce, single momhood, and this whole Mr. Slick thing are all starting to take a serious toll on me.
My first challenge was to make it from my brother’s apartment building to Green Lake – two blocks and two busy streets lay between them. It being rush hour, my first humiliation was crossing the street. It seemed like I couldn’t remember how to launch off into a smooth stride. Instead I appeared to be walking across the street as fifty cars waited for me and of course I tripped right as I made it to the curb. I was able to drag myself out of the street and shakily regain my footing. I slowly pushed myself forward with one blade and then the next. I seemed to be getting the hang of it. I was so proud. I held my head up high and tried to channel all of the hot chic Rollerbladers I had ever seen in a movie. There must have been something wrong with the connection.
I arrived at Green Lake and plodded across the grass field that lay between the street and the paved path around the lake. I was getting excited. This was going to be fun. I was going to get some exercise, go around the lake a couple of times, and hey maybe even meet a cute blader. I quickly lost my enthusiasm. Once I got to the path, I realized that Rollerblading business isn’t as effortless as it appears. My second challenge was a mini-hill that I had never noticed while walking (of course I usually go clockwise around the lake against the Rollerbladers so it was downhill), but all of the sudden I felt like I had reached Mount Everest. I grunted and pushed and somehow managed to make it to the top. Winded and extremely exhausted, I looked back longingly at the grass field from which I had come, but I kept on. Soon my chest started to burn and my face started to pound. I didn’t understand it – I wasn’t even going fast. Every single other Rollerblader passed me, joggers passed me, and, saddest of all, speed walkers passed me. Try as I might, I couldn’t get myself into a smooth rhythm. About a quarter of a mile around I could take it no longer, I had to sit on a bench. I was so confused. Rollerblading looked so easy – besides I wasn’t that out of shape, this should have been a piece of cake. I watched more rollerbladers pass by and I squelched the desire to ask them to tell me what I was doing wrong – why, when my legs were going at the same speed as theirs was I incapable of achieving the same speed. I didn’t want to carry on. I was frustrated, depressed and extremely disappointed in myself – but rollerbladers can’t go back – they can only go forward on the path. I wanted to cry, but I stood up and onto the path and prepared to pass again all of the slow walkers. I didn’t want them to see me again – I looked ridiculous, but I had no choice, I couldn’t turn back. I didn’t even have my cell phone so calling my brother to rescue me was out of the question.
When I had gone 2 miles and after 5 more breaks, I could take it no longer. I sat down on the grass, removed the offenders and walked the final mile in my bare feet. I HATED those Rollerblades. I considered leaving them by a tree, hoping that by chance some girl with a size 10 foot would pick them up and take to the activity with far more gusto than had I, but I kept a hold on them. The worst part of the whole experience is that as I trudged through the cool grass all of my frustration with my rollerblades and with Slick combined to make me very emotional. I spent the entire walk choking back tears and just being utterly pathetic.
When I arrived at Joe’s house, I could no longer hold it in – after greeting Joe and Brit as they sat smoking in the garage, I excused myself to get some water and sobbed in the kitchen. I couldn’t understand what I was feeling at the time. I played it off as PMS to Joe and Brit when they asked about it, but it wasn’t that. I am beginning to think that the divorce, single momhood, and this whole Mr. Slick thing are all starting to take a serious toll on me.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Quote of the Day
My phone's on vibrate for you
But still I never ever feel from you
Pinocchio's now a boy who wants to turn
Back into a toy
So call me, call me in the morning
Call me in the night, so call me
Call me anytime you like
My phone's on vibrate for you, for you
Rufus Wainwright
Want One (2003) "Vibrate"
But still I never ever feel from you
Pinocchio's now a boy who wants to turn
Back into a toy
So call me, call me in the morning
Call me in the night, so call me
Call me anytime you like
My phone's on vibrate for you, for you
Rufus Wainwright
Want One (2003) "Vibrate"
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Thursday, August 5, 2004
Totally Not Worth a Memory Cell
Today X called me. "Happy fourth", he said.
"Fourth what?"
"Anniversary."
"Of what?"
"Our marriage..."
Oh, that. Who cares anymore? Obviously not me since I didn't remember the darn thing. Once the divorce is final, do you keep counting? Here marks the day when we would have been married for four years? I don't think so. August 5th no longer has that meaning for me. I just told him that I had forgotten. I hope his feelings weren't hurt.
"Fourth what?"
"Anniversary."
"Of what?"
"Our marriage..."
Oh, that. Who cares anymore? Obviously not me since I didn't remember the darn thing. Once the divorce is final, do you keep counting? Here marks the day when we would have been married for four years? I don't think so. August 5th no longer has that meaning for me. I just told him that I had forgotten. I hope his feelings weren't hurt.
Quote of the Day
It is not difficult to deceive the first time, for the deceived possesses no antibodies; unvaccinated by suspicion, she overlooks latenesses, accepts absurd excuses, permits the flimsiest patchings to repair great rents in the quotidian.
John Updike (b. 1932)
John Updike (b. 1932)
Tuesday, August 3, 2004
Quote of the Day
Reunion after long separation is even better than one’s wedding night.
Chinese proverb
Chinese proverb
Monday, August 2, 2004
Quote of the Day
How can one learn to know oneself? Never by introspection, rather by action. Try to do your duty, and you will know right away what you are like.
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749–1832)
Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (1749–1832)
The Re-Evaluation of Self
There must come a time at the end of every relationship when you take a second look at the person you are no longer with. I have been so consumed with my new relationship and having the custody agreement formulated the way I wanted it that I allowed myself to see new and terrible things in X that weren't there. It is amazing how consumed by one's self a person can become. From the beginning I have been a very selfish person - - and as a result I have pushed away a person with whom I hoped to maintain a friendly and civil relationship. After we split X seemed like such a stranger - a completely new and undesirable person. But I am beginning to see that it was in fact I who became a stranger. I emerged as an individual who didn't give a damn about the person she spent four years with, a person who became the evil and reviled ex-wife (I could be exaggerating, but I am sure that X would agree with me to some degree).
Throughout this time that S has been gone, I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with him and the one that just ended with X. I am beginning to wonder why I am so quick to jump into another marriage. Why can't I just be alone for a while? Am I so afraid of being single? Could it be that I don't want to be a single mom - that I am afraid to raise a child by myself? Could I be afraid that I will have a hard time finding someone who will want to be a father to my child without already being a father himself and that in itself defines S's attractiveness to me? Nothing will ever bring me back together with X, but why I am so anxious to be with S so completely so soon is beginning to be of concern.
I am so happy when S is here with me, but when he is gone doubts and fears and questions creep into my heart and mind and I am not quite sure what to do with them. One thing I do know is that I will no longer treat X like crap. It's the least I could do.
But the questions linger - will I remain with S? Will the problems be resolved? Will I discover that life can be just as fulfilling alone and that being a single mother isn't the end of the world?
Stay tuned for the next posting of....
just kidding.
Throughout this time that S has been gone, I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with him and the one that just ended with X. I am beginning to wonder why I am so quick to jump into another marriage. Why can't I just be alone for a while? Am I so afraid of being single? Could it be that I don't want to be a single mom - that I am afraid to raise a child by myself? Could I be afraid that I will have a hard time finding someone who will want to be a father to my child without already being a father himself and that in itself defines S's attractiveness to me? Nothing will ever bring me back together with X, but why I am so anxious to be with S so completely so soon is beginning to be of concern.
I am so happy when S is here with me, but when he is gone doubts and fears and questions creep into my heart and mind and I am not quite sure what to do with them. One thing I do know is that I will no longer treat X like crap. It's the least I could do.
But the questions linger - will I remain with S? Will the problems be resolved? Will I discover that life can be just as fulfilling alone and that being a single mother isn't the end of the world?
Stay tuned for the next posting of....
just kidding.
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