School Girl Crushes

I'm here. My new home. And it feels good. I can write about anything again, and I don't care.

I try to figure out sometimes why I am so compelled to write on the internet. Most often I come to the conclusion that it's the only thing that gets me writing. Sometimes I think it's the only type of writing I'm good at. But reading back on old posts I can see how overwritten some of them are, which is really annoying. However, it's writing, the thing I've loved most since I was a child.

Though playing the piano has taken my attention for some years as has knitting and God knows what else, I'm drawn again to the Internet, to writing for me, about me. For me.

I'm not expecting an audience, and I sometimes think I write better when I have no expectation of being read. My favorite posts are the first few so long ago as I turned 25. What a different life I had when I started blogging in 2004. What a different person I was and how innocent, make that naive and far too trusting.

I ask people sometimes if they have drama in their lives. I'm always intrigued when the answer is no. What must it be like? A quiet life, I would settle for, needn't even be happy, but quiet, oh, quiet. That would be the ticket.

It's the start of the second day of the year, and things are too messy to be optimistic at the moment, too dramatic, too, well, just too. I'm not making any resolutions, except maybe just get through it. I can do that, but it's a fear of what could be waiting at the end of it that paralyzes me. The whatifs, so many of them, are responsible for this weight on my chest, this burden. But the funny thing is that, even in the midst of this very great drama, I am trying to keep going on with a normal side of me. The lady side of me that wants to love and be loved, but I'm afraid of that side of me as well.

It's responsible for bringing me here. To this place. This very, very dramatic place. My picker is broken, my intuition faulty, and I no longer trust my judgment where my heart is concerned. I love too easily. I trust too must. In fact trusting may be my Achilles heel, for trusting the wrong men got me in this mess.

But still, this lady side of me wants to love and be loved. And I promised myself that I wouldn't date until after the new year, so I could recover from the traumatic ending of my relationship with Slick. And here it is, the new year. People have been waiting for this day to come, and have already reminded me that my deadline had past and brought up men they are dying to have meet me. But the day crept up on me so fast; it took me by surprise.

Is it a good idea to consider dating while this is going on? Shouldn't I wait until after? But I couldn't imagine not dating again for the rest of my twenties. But I couldn't imagine bringing a boyfriend into this point of my life either. I don't even want to try to explain everything while wondering what the reaction would be to this messy ex life I lead. I'm not exactly seeing myself as a big catch. I've weighed my pros and cons, and the cons far outweigh the pros. Any guy worthy of me would have so many other quality options that my bid would fade to the back. Take five identical sheets of paper, wrinkle one of them and offer them to another to choose one piece. Think they're going to choose the wrinkled paper?

So dating isn't my priority. Surviving is. Having crushes will do for now. And crushes I have aplenty. And I can't wait to write about it. That's the good stuff. That's my fun. As if I were fifteen again in Dr. Bailey's Chem class.

Let 2009 Begin With Reflection

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? Kissed someone I'd known less than a week.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I never really make resolutions - I just hope for the best.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Aside from blogger friends, no, but my sister got knocked up, which was HUGE.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, but everyday I live the death of my son.

5. What countries did you visit? Canada

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Harmony

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? 8-8-08. It was the date I was served with papers announcing the my ex was going to try to get full custody of my daughter.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Getting hired in my current position.

9. What was your biggest failure? Not getting rid of my boyfriend months (years) earlier.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Only to my heart.

11. What was the best thing you bought? Black boots to celebrate my great new job.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? See above.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My ex-boyfriend's and that of my ex-husband.

14. Where did most of your money go? Rent, car payment, lawyer fees.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Having a six-pack for my 29th birthday

16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Forever, by Chris Brown

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? sadder, much, because of everything that happened with my exes.
b) thinner or fatter? same, always the same, thank God for good genes.
c) richer or poorer? both. I make more money than ever before, but now I have a single income household.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Stood up for myself

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Cried.

20. How did you spend Christmas? Missing my daughter.

21. Did you fall in love in 2008? No, I fell out of love.

22. What was your favorite TV program? Gossip Girls

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? My exes (man, are they a theme or what?)

24. What was the best book you read? Twilight

25. What was your greatest musical discovery? George Winston's sheet music

26. What did you want and get? Freedom

27. What did you want and not get? Freedom

28. What was your favorite film of this year? No clue

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 29, and I didn't really do anything. My friend's wedding overshadowed me. But that's okay. It's just a day.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? My exes' deaths

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? Classic Southern girl with a twist of New York.

32. What kept you sane? Knitting and reading blogs.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Jason Statham

34. What political issue stirred you the most? Iraq, of course

35. Who did you miss? My daughter. I miss her even when I am with her.

36. Who was the best new person you met? Will

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. Never trust a man with your secrets. He'll use them against you in a flash.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year. "Bittersweet World"

Tragic.
Everybody tryin to hide
All of those girls habits
its Kinda bizzarre when it's who you are
It's tragic that it's come to this
I bury all of my vices
Tryin to keep my head up over it
When everything's whatever
It's the be all end all
And right before we fade away
Call a spade a spade
And You should know
You can tell
It's a Bittersweet world
Why can't we all just get along
In this
Bittersweet world
Everybody's reapin what they sow
In this
Sweet World

Whatever happened to the magic
That was keepin us
The faith that was the on stardust
Now The hypocrites pointing fingers
With Three fingers pointing right back
And all we're left with is [x6]
The foolish pride and the quick fixes
Ya It's the be all end all
And right before we fade away
Call a spade a spade
And you should know
You can tell it's a
a bittersweet world
Why can't we all just get along
In this
Bittersweet world
Everybody reapin what they sow
in this
Bittersweet world
With closets jull of skeletons
I'm a bittersweet girl
Demons out to get me
As I stand alone

There's a universal bottom line
Everybody's in disguise
Even you and I
Behind the facade tryin to get by
Don't wanna play with fire
Again
There's a universal bottom line
Everybody in disguise
Even you and I
Behind the facade tryin to get by
You wanna play with fire
Yu're gonna get burned
It's the be all end all
And right before we fade away
Call a spade a spade
And you should know
You can tell it's a
bittersweet world
Why can't we all just get along
In this
Bittersweet world
With closets full of skeletons
I'm a bittersweet girl
Demons out to get me
As i stand alone.