There's Your Sign

I could live without him for the rest of my life. So, do I stop seeing him right now? The rest of them think so. Bad dating kharma...Poor guy. Just a couple of things they say. But I don't want to give him up. I know I'm being selfish, but he's available. Anytime I want his company he's there. And so far the same can't be said for the Bad Boy who canceled on me yesterday, or the Wolf, who lives in Chicago.

Texting Brian to come over when Jay canceled on me was probably not the brightest idea, at least for Brian's sake. But I'm in Fun Mode. I told him as much. Fun Mode means selfish time, which means I haven't been as careful of other's feelings as perhaps I should.

Brian came over and the hug was awkward as usual, but we settled onto the sofa, my legs over his and his hands caressing those legs.

Curiously everytime we kissed, he left me wanting more. I've never gotten to the bottom of why he never goes too deep with his kisses or lets them go on too long. I'm confused and yearning for more, if only to see what it would be like with him.

After he left, he texted me..."you turn me on so much." I cocked my head like a puppy dog as I read it. Really? That's you turned on? At one point he leaned over and kissed a spot of my belly , and it was one of the most adorable, sexy things he'd done yet. But that was all he did. I was waiting for more, but it didn't come. Color me confused. As much as he professes to like me, I've gone further with Jay in one night, than Brian and I have gone in what is it, 9 dates now?

Brian also texted me that he was "trying not to like [me] too much" but that I'm "cool" and he likes me. I thought that we had reached an understanding. Now I feel like I have to have the talk with him AGAIN. I hate having the talk. I'm not good at the talk. I did the talk over email last time. Oh, and to top matters off, I told Brian about my custody battle on Saturday night. He said it put everything in perspective. So now I think he thinks that I'm only not ready for a serious relationship because of my custody fight and not because I just don't want one with him.

Boys are confusing and stupid and stuff. But I like them, lots of them, and I want to kiss them all. Well, not all of them, just the ones that I really like. I meet more of them all of the time. If I'd known when I was 20 that guys think I'm hot , my life would be soooooo different right now. Believe me. I'm living it up in the final days before I turn 30, because though 3o is supposed to be the new 20, it really isn't. Again, believe me. This I learned the last time I went dancing, when, for the first time, I was asked my age. Not just once, but probably 5 times.

I'm no spring chicken anymore.